


MCU Movies Summarized by Luis

by Linz2



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 04:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16055249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linz2/pseuds/Linz2
Summary: Thank me later





	1. Iron Man

So, we start out with Iron Man himself, right? His name's Tony Stark, and he's like, the whole package. He's crazy fine and crazy smart, and he's loaded. One day he's in Afghanistan, showing off a missile his company built to the military! They're really impressed, and everything seems hunky-dory for him, till BOOM! BAM! KAZAM! Stuff blows up, and he gets kidnapped by these terrorists named the Ten Rings! They tell him "Build us one of those sweet missiles, and we'll let you go!". But instead, Tony makes a cool battery to put in his chest to keep shrapnel out of his heart, and a bomb-ass robot suit to escape!

When Tony gets back to California, he's all like "The bad guys got my weapons somehow, I gotta stop making them", and the press is all like "Whaaaaa?". Tony builds a new battery and has his hot secretary Pepper put it in his chest for him. Then he builds an updated version of the robot suit, and an updated version of the updated version that he uses to destroy the stolen weapons, and he tries to get his friend Rhodey in on it too, but Rhodey doesn't care. But then this Stane guy he was running the company with steals the cool battery to power his own suit, and Tony's got to get the first cool battery before he dies without it, and he, Pepper, and Rhodey kick Stane's ass so hard he dies! This secret agent guy offers him a cover story, but Tony's like, "Screw that shit. I'm Iron Man, everybody!".


	2. The Incredible Hulk

Then we roll back the clock a few years, till we meet this scientist named Bruce Banner. He's volunteering for this cool project with gamma rays, but then those rays do something totally wack to him. They turn him green and totally shredded, and make him act like a crazy dog! He wrecks the lab and runs all the way to Brazil. He gets back to normal and has to contact some mystery scientist to help him find a cure, 'cuz he could turn into the Hulk again if he gets mad!

So, Banner's working in a soda bottling plant in Brazil, when he gets a cut and some of his blood falls into a bottle. It poisons some old guy– the old guy lived though, I think I even saw him when I was picking up my cousin Ernesto from a bar. He was hitting on some Anna Akana-looking chick, which was creepy, so I told him to stop it, and– ah, I'm getting off track.

The military connects all of that to Banner, and hey come banging on his door all the way down in Brazil! All those guns and all that shouting makes him Hulk out again, and this time he makes it all the way up to Guatemala before he gets human again! Then he travels back to New York, where he catches up with his chick Betty.

Betty's got some info on his condition in her computer, so Bruce goes to get it, but the military finds him and makes him Hulk out again, so he runs away with Betty. Then he's like, "Yo, Bets, we gotta find my mystery scientist guy and get him to fix me!". They go on the down low and find the guy, but the cure they got don't work. But when they leave, this scary soldier dude talks to the guy and he wants the gamma rays too, and they make him green and shredded and crazy too. Bruce hulks out again to stop him from smashing up Harlem, and when he wins he flat-out vanishes into the wilderness, so he can go as wild as he wants!


	3. Iron Man 2

So, after the whole Iron Man thing, Tony's living it up as a superhero, right? Helping out the military, and the National Guard, and Red Cross, and other groups like that all over the world. And he's even re-opening this old event called the Stark Expo, which I actually went to. I even helped this little kiddo named Peter get away when the dro– wait, I can't tell you about that yet, spoilers. Anyways, he gets called in to show up at court. The government wants to be in charge of when he can go superheroing, which does make sense but apparently the guy who wanted it turned out to be really bad. Tony manages to get his way out of it, pissing off his rival Justin Hammer while he's at it. But then when he gets home he's gotta replace the palladium in his cool chest battery, because it's running out quick and poisoning him, too! It's real creepy, too, like you can see the poison in his blood vessels around his heart, like something out of this one horror movie I watched with Dave yesterday!

Tony starts acting real weird, like, he puts Pepper in charge of the company, he starts sellin' his stuff, he hires this crazy-stupid-fine new assistant named Natalie, and he even goes on a vacation to Monaco and participates in this cool car race! But this guy appears on the track with crazy energy whips and starts slashing cars in half, and Tony has to do his superhero business so the police can arrest him. The dude's name is Ivan Vanko, and it turns out his dad and Tony's dad used to work together until Vanko's dad got deported to Siberia, and now he wants revenge!

Next, that Justin Hammer dude breaks Vanko out of jail and offers him a job making suits like Tony's, to sell to the military. It's like, daaaaaamn, two supervillians teaming up? Mad dangerous! But Tony doesn't know anything about that, so he's just throwing his birthday party with Natalie and lots of guests. He's in the suit, and he's drunk, and he's blowing up watermelons, until Rhodey shows up on official military business, cuz after that business in Monaco they want to have control of his suits now. Rhodey gets into an older suit, and when he can't calm Tony down, they get in a fight, like a full on brawl! Rhodey gets away with that suit, and he takes it to Justin Hammer to get it blinged out with guns and stuff.

The next day, Tony's just in a daze, ya know? Doesn't know what to do, so he just eats donuts. Lots of donuts. Then some secret agent peeps approach him, and it turns out Natalie is one of them, and her real name's Natasha Romanoff! Talk about a plot twist! They get Tony under house arrest, and give him some old stuff his dad worked on. Tony doesn't know what to do with all that junk, until he recognizes something weird in a blueprint for the Stark Expo grounds: they're shaped like an unknown atom! He remodels his whole damn workshop into a article collider, and he gets himself a whole new non-poisonous element that he can use in his cool chest battery!

But just when everything seems happy, Tony gets a weird phone call… from Vanko! Dun dun duuuuun! Vanko just reveals his evil plan like the crazy supervillain he is: he says he's going to attack the Expo with the drones Justin is showing off that night! Tony breaks out of his own house and gets in the suit and flies all the way over to the Expo, just as the drones open fire! Let me tell you, it was wicked cool but also crazy scary! So, Tony and Rhodey fight all those drones, while Pepper and Natasha get Justin Hammer arrested, right? But Vanko's got his own big-ass suit, and Tony and Rhodey have to make a big explosion with their lasers to take them out. They both get medals, and then one of the secret agents says they might be considering them for this super secret superhero team. Who are the other superheroes on it, you ask? Well, one of them is this big dude from– Kurt, what the hell, why is the microwave on fire?!


	4. Thor

So, up in this place called Asgard, this Thor guy is about to become king, right? But right in the middle of the ceremony, some crazy alarms go off, and it turns out these blue ice people called Frost Giants broke into their vault and nearly stole some big, powerful ice cube. And Thor's all like, "Let's beat their asses!", but his dad Odin is like, "Chill out, I got a treaty with them, we can't just do that.". But Thor don't like that, so he, his brother Loki, and their cool warrior friends take this neat Rainbow Road-looking bridge to the Frost Giant's home and get in a big fight, and Odin has to save them all. Now Odin's real pissed at Thor, so he sends Thor all the way to Earth, and puts this neat spell on Thor's hammer, so he can only get his powers back if he's worthy of them.

After that, Loki starts messing around with the ice cube, and then BAM! His skin turns all blue! He asks Odin about it, and Odin says Loki's actually one of those Frost Giants, and he was orphaned as a baby, so Odin adopted him. Loki's real mad that he was lied to, but then Odin just falls asleep right on the spot. Apparently he does it a lot.

So, Thor lands in New Mexico, and these three scientists named Jane, Darcy, and Erik pick him up. Darcy and Erik think he's totally wack, but Jane's really interested in him, in more ways then one, if you know what I'm saying. So, Jane goes with him to find his hammer, but those super secret agents from before have confiscated it. Thor just tears through them all like a boss, to get to his hammer, but he can't even lift it. The super secret spies arrest him, and Erik has to pick him up.

So, Thor crashes with Jane, Darcy, and Erik for the night, and Jane asks him if he's really a god and stuff, and Thor's all like, "We just call ourselves gods, girl, we're basically really cool aliens."

Meanwhile, Loki's the king of Asgard, but his and Thor's cool warrior friends think it's real suspicious, so they get the guy running the Rainbow Road to send them to Earth. Loki gets real mad when he finds out about that, so he sends this big Asgardian robot to Earth to kill Thor. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuun!

Thor meets up with his cool warrior friends right as the big robot starts tearin' up shit, so they all go fight him and try to get everyone to safety, but when it don't work, Thor walks up to the robot like "Yo, it's me you want, bro, just kill me and stop wrecking this town."

So, the robot does kill Thor, but then his hammer comes flying towards him, and he comes back to life and gets his powers and his cool clothes back. He wrecks the robot and goes back to Asgard to stop Loki from trying to destroy the other Frost Giants for funsies, but he has to shatter Earth's part of the Rainbow Road to do it. Odin wakes up and helps him out, but then Loki just… jumps off Rainbow Road. Now Thor can't visit Jane and Jane can't visit Thor, but at least Thor's back with his family. And based on what the Rainbow Road guy says, it sounds like Jane's working real hard to get Thor back. I don't blame her, Thor is… Thor's… aaahhh…

"Oh, for crying out loud, Luis. You know you always collapse from awe whenever you think about Thor."

"Can you blame me, Scotty?"

"No. No I can not."


	5. Captain America: The First Avenger

Alright now, it's time to go way back, to World War 2! These creeps called Hydra are working for the Nazis, and they've got their hands on this weird cube-looking thing.

The US Army, meanwhile, it's recruiting soldiers like crazy, to fight the Nazis and stuff, and this real scrawny kid named Steve Rogers keeps trying to enlist. Eventually, this scientist guy recruits Steve, and he gets chosen for some cool super soldier project. They jam him up with a serum and weird rays, and it makes him a total beefcake.

Now, Steve's all jacked, but he's mostly working as a showman and stuff, boostin' morale and sellin' war bonds, until he learns Hydra's got his best friend Bucky Barnes kidnapped! He teams up with this Howard Stark guy and this Peggy Carter chick to rescue Bucky and a whole bunch of other prisoners.

The army's all like, "Daaaamn, he's a badass!", so they let him, Bucky, and some other guys go on all sorts of crazy missions and stuff. They're all looking crazy fine, until one day they're on top of a train in the mountains, and Bucky falls off! Steve's just flat-out heartbroken, but Peggy's all like, "Yo, you gotta get off your ass! It's what Bucky would want!" So Steve says "You're right, girl, I gotta get back in the game!"

So, Steve's going on missions again, when he finds out the leader of Hydra, this weird guy with a red skull, is going to bomb the shit out of the United States! Steve breaks into the plane, and he's fighting Red Skull and stuff, until Red Skull touches the cube thingamabob, and gets blasted away to who knows where! But the plane's on autopilot now, so Steve has to send it crashing into the Arctic with him on it! Everyone thinks he kicked the bucket for decades, until one day SHIELD finds him still alive, but totally frozen. And so, he wakes up seventy years later, and SHIELD just walks up to him like "Bro, you took one long-ass nap." Steve's like "Whaaaaaaaa? No fair, me and Peggy were going to go dancing!" I really got to sympathize with him, my girl left me while I was in prison, and my buddy Scotty got divorced in prison. Tough times for us, man, tough times.


	6. The Avengers

So, you remember the cube thingamabob that Hydra had back in World War 2, right? Well, SHIELD got their hands on it when they found Steve in the ice, and they're using it to get energy from space when this big blue hole shows up, and Loki pops out of it with some fresh bling. He's got better clothes, and he's carrying this glowing blue scepter that he uses to brainwash a bunch of people, including this mad skilled archer called Clint Barton, and Thor's friend Erik.

So, the secret agents get that Natasha chick to find Bruce, who's been hiding out in Calcutta. Nick Fury, the head honcho of the secret agents, gets Steve, and this Phil Coulson dude gets Tony, and they want all three of them to work together as a team. They send Steve and Natasha off to Germany, where Loki's tearing shit up, but when things don't look good Tony shows up and captures Loki with Steve. They're getting him back to their big helicopter place, when Thor shows up again! He got his dad to magic him over to Earth to catch Loki and throw him in Asgardian prison, and he gets in a fight with Tony and Steve over Loki. Eventually, though, they decide, "This isn't getting us anywhere, we gotta team up instead!"

They bring Loki back to the big helicopter, but they don't know where he put the Tesseract. They all start arguing a lot, too, and they get so into it that Loki has his buddies attack the big helicopter while they're arguing! Bruce turns into the Hulk again and busts the whole place up, until Loki kills Coulson but doesn't really kill Coulson, and throws Hulk and Thor out of the place. Natasha gets in a fight with Clint and knocks the mind control out of him. Nick's like, "None of this would have happened if y'all got along! Now look at us all!"

So, everyone gets off their asses and over to New York, cuz lots of weird bad things tend to happen there, right? Loki uses the Tesseract to open another big hole in the sky, and aliens start pourin' out and tearing up the city! They all get together and fight the aliens, until these council people are like, "They aren't getting anywhere! We gotta take out all those aliens right now with a nuke!" Like, daaaamn, that's messed up! I think I was near New York back then, too, like what if it misfired and it blew me up? Tony sees the missile right as Natasha figures out how to close the portal, and Tony sends the nuke through the portal and falls back to Earth as it closes! They all arrest Loki, and send him back to Asgard with Thor, and now they're all goin' their separate ways, till more bad guys show up in– what, what do you secret agents creeps mean that I'm under arrest for disclosing information on tops secret Project Tahiti? How'd you get in my house? Why do you have a taser– AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


	7. Iron Man 3

So, after the Avengers thing, Tony's living with Pepper again, right? He's been making lots of Iron Man suits, and Pepper's running most of the company. And this Aldrich Killian guy, he's visiting her and talking about brains and stuff, and how humanity's supposed to evolve or whatever. He wants to work with her, but she says no, and she goes home to see Tony, and she's real upset when she sees how he's been working his ass off and rambling about another invasion, since the deal with the wormhole really messed him up. He even put these magnet thingamabobs in his arms so he can call his suit to him. Tony and Pepper aren't looking so hot as a couple, when suddenly KABOOM! This movie theater blows up and puts Tony's friend Happy in a coma, and this whackjob on TV calling himself the Mandarin says he did it.

Tony gets so pissed that he gives the whole world his home address, and his place gets bombed! Pepper escapes with Tony's old chick, Maya. Tony's AI buddy Jarvis gets him in the suit and flies him all the way to Tennessee, where this kid named Harley finds him and offers to help him. But the Mandarin's peeps attacks him there, too, with some weird genetic fire stuff, so he's got to go on the run without the suit. You know, my cousin Ernesto says once his ex-girlfriend Ellie got laid up in the hospital and got approached about that, but she disappeared around the same time as this all in Tennessee, and now I'm starting to wonder if it was… whatever, that's a story for later.

Harley and Jarvis use some files Tony found to figure out where the Mandarin's base is, and it's in Miami. Tony builds some cool gizmos to break into the base. He finds the Mandarin, but it turns out he's just some weirdo actor, and the real Mandarin's thugs knock Tony out. Meanwhile the rest of the Mandarin group kidnaps Pepper, and Maya, and Rhodey. So now, with Tony and all his buddies captured, things are looking real bad, and we learn Aldrich Killian is the head of the Mandarin group. Then Tony remembers his arm magnets and gets his suit to come back from Tennessee, and he and Rhodey bust out of the place. But Maya's dead, and Pepper's still captured and getting jammed with Extremis, that genetic fire stuff, so they got to figure out what to do, when suddenly one of Killian's thugs hijacks the president's plane with Rhodey's suit. Tony rescues all the people falling from it, like a major badass, but Killian gets away with the president.

Tony and Rhodey storm this oil rig where all the Mandarin are chilling, and Tony brings in all his suits as backup. Pepper even joins in with her fire powers from Extremis, and when they win, Tony's like, "Bro, I'm sick of this superhero bullshit!" And he blows all his suits up. He finds a way to cure Pepper of the Extremis stuff, and uses a teensy little bit of it to heal his chest so he can get rid of his cool chest battery. Happy's out of his coma, and everything's finally cool for them all!


End file.
